Peter Leno
by Reservoir Dog
Summary: Peter ,still in search of a job, gets the one job he shouldn't have: A Talkshow Host.


PETER LENO

Peter is sitting in a chair in front of an employer of KFC hoping to get a job there. Peter has a bowl of Chicken in his hands getting it all over his face.

Employer reading Peters previous jobs

Employer: Toy factory, Beer factory, Knight in a medieval fair and a fisherman. It looks like you have some life experience mister Griffin.

Employer: Mister Griffin!

Peters face turns blue

Peter: How do you breathe?

Employer: With your lungs Mister Griffin

Peter: Oh crap, I was using my penis

Camera lowers to reveal that Peter had wet himself

Employer: Well you are obviously over-qualified; do you have any questions about the job?

Peter: Yeah, do you guys have any bibs

Employer: Yeah, that chicken is handing them out free with purchase

Peter looks at the chicken and the chicken looks back at Peter and they know they must fight. Peter runs at the chicken and the chicken starts to smother Peter with the bibs he was handing out. Peter punches through the bib and hits the chicken in the face. The chicken then pulls a bucket of grease off the counter and then splashes it over Peters face. Blinded Peter punches at air and then wipes his face and sees the chicken taking Lois from her seat and holding her over its shoulder, then begins to climb a water tower outside the KFC. Peter accidentally steps on a fried chicken on the floor and the chicken holding Lois looks back in horror that Peter had stepped on a fellow chicken. Peter then realizing that steps on another fried chicken.

Peter: You like that huh

Peter steps on another and the chicken looks back in horror again

Peter sings: One chicken (steps on a chicken) Two chicken (steps on a chicken) Three chicken (steps on a chicken) Four (steps on a chicken)

The chicken holding Lois begins to inch down in anger then throws Lois to the side

Five chicken (steps on a chicken) Six chicken (steps on a chicken) Look its Al Gore

Al Gore: I'm eating here

The chicken that was holding Lois tackles Peter through the wall of the KFC and into a airplane station. The chicken and Peter exchange blows right and fight backwards right onto an airplane. The airplane takes off and the fight continues down the isle of the airplane knocking people over all the way to the cockpit. Peter punches at the chicken and the chicken ducks and Peter hits the pilot. The chicken punches at Peter, but the chicken misses and punches the co-pilot and in seconds the dashboard bursts into flames and both wings fall off the plane and it crashes into sea. Peter punches through the windshield of the plane and the chicken and Peter fight until they reach the surface. They continue to fight until Peter swims away to a small fishing boat and tells the captain to step on it. The boat goes speeding away. As soon as the boat speeds up, a scuba tank on a string gets jerked off the end of the boat. The chicken grabs the tank with its mouth and holds on. Seconds later Peter notices the chicken behind the boat grabbing the scuba tank on the string in its mouth. Peter grabs a gun and aims at the tank inside the chickens mouth…aims…aims…fires, misses, fires, misses, fires, misses,

Peter: Smile you son of a bitch

Peter fires and BOOM an explosion breaks out on top of the sea and a mountain of water climbs to the air and after the water subsides it rains feathers where the chicken was.

Peter: Lets get out of here

Peter meets up with Lois at the docks

Peter: Its all over Lois, you'll be ok

Lois: Oh Peter that was awful

Peter: Not as awful as that time that we saw the "Da Vinci Code"

Cuts to the Griffins watching the Da Vinci Code in the theaters. The screen shows the ritual sex scene in the movie, with the masked people surrounding the two cult members having sex in a bed. One of the masked people takes their mask off and it is Quagmire.

Quagmire: Giggity-Giggity, ritual sex, al-right

Cuts back to Peter and Lois

Lois: I'm just glad you made it out ok

Cuts to a Tokyo setting

Caption: SOMEWHRE IN TOKYO

A Japanese man looks in a river from a bridge and sees the badly injured chicken Peter was fighting. The Japanese man ran down to see if the chicken was ok. He grabbed the chicken out of the water and gave it CPR. The whole time speaking hysterical Japanese. The Japanese man stopped applying CPR and suddenly the chickens eye opens and squawks as loud as it could.

Cuts to Peter leaving the docks and somehow it seems like Peter heard the squawk as he turns his head toward the sky.

Lois: What is it Peter

Peter: Nothing Lois, its nothing at all.

Peter is at his house with Lois

Lois: Peter you still need to go get a job

Peter: I know, but cant I do it tomorrow

Lois: Peter we haven't paid the water bill and the city is threatening to turn it off

Peter: We discussed this Lois, we could either pay the water bill or the cable bill and we chose to have cable so quit complaining, "House" is on:

Cuts to "House"

Doctor House is in the emergency room with a screaming boy with a knife in his eye and the boys mother is there too.

Boys mother: My son is bleeding to death

House: Does it look like I care?

House pulls out a cigarette and lights it

Boy continues to scream

House: Can you shut up for one second I'm trying to smoke here, you little snot-nosed dumbass.

Peter: He's cruel, but witty and charming

Lois goes into the kitchen to get a glass of water but none comes out. She tries again, but no water comes out. Lois then walks into the TV room and turns off the TV.

Lois: That's it, your getting a job right now

Lois picks up Peter and throws him out the house

Lois: don't come back until you get a job

Brian comes up to Peter

Brian: Peter you do need to get a job, I mean look at Chris

Shows Chris with a bulge of crap slowly moving down his pants

Brian: That's his last pair of pants

Peter: Fine, I'll get a job

Brian: Great where do you want to work?

Peter: I want to be in television, Brian

Brian: Ok lets get Cleveland

Peter: Why?

Brian: Cleveland has been blackmailing FOX for years, he can make them do whatever he wants. You know Jerry Springer?

Peter: Yeah

Brian: All Cleveland's idea

Peter: Wow

They go to Cleveland's house

Brian: Cleveland, we need to ask you a favor. Peter wants to have his own Late Night show on FOX.

Cleveland: That can be arranged

Cuts to Cleveland making a phone call to FOX

Cleveland: I need you to free up some space from 1am to 2am for Peter Griffins Late Night talk show

FOX CEO: Absolutely not, that is prime infomercial time

Cleveland: Clear up the space or I'll start talking about the subliminal Neo-Nazi messaging

Cuts to a sesame street-type show

A big bird like character is holding up a piece of paper that says HAIL HITLER on it

FOX CEO: ok, ok I'll put on Peter from 1 o'clock till 2 o'clock

Peter and Lois are on the set of Peters new late night show

Peter: Lois this is going to be the best show ever

Lois: Who are your first guests?

Peter: Quinten Tarentino and George Clooney

Lois: Wow, how did you manage to get them on your show

Peter: I'd rather not talk about that Lois

Cuts to George Clooney and Quiniten Tarentino farting on Peter's head and laughing

Peter: OK Quinten and George are you going on to my show then

George Clooney: Yeah sure but first…

George Clooney poops into Peters mouth

Cuts back to Peter and Lois

Peter Shivers

Lois: Peter, your show is on in three minutes

Peter runs over to his desk and sits down

Stage manager counts down 3…2…1… and points to Peter

Peter: Welcome to Peter Griffin and his wacktaculous really late night talk show with musical guest Iron Butterfly

Iron Butterfly starts playing In a Godda da Vida

Iron Butterfly stops playing In a Godda da Vida

Peter: Our first guest is George Clooney, come on out George

George Clooney come on to stage and sits down next to Peter

Peter: How is it going George?

George: Fine

Peter: Soooo, are you in any new movies

George: Nope

An awkward silence follows

Peter: Got any interesting stories?

George: Nope

Peter: Oh, oh I got one, ok so I catch my daughter Meg making out with some guy and so I say hey stop making out, but when she turned around it turned out that she was kissing my son Chris, here stand up Chris and Meg, stand up for everyone to see

Meg puts her hands on her face in embarrassment and she is crying

Chris stands up

Chris (ashamed): I'm a sinner

Peter: True story, pretty cool huh George

George: Nope

An Awkward silence follows

Peter: How about we go to commercial

Peters show goes on a commercial break and then cuts right back to Peter

Peter: Lets listen to another song by Iron Butterfly

Iron Butterfly starts playing In a Godda da Vida

Peter interrupt: You already played that song

Iron Butterfly singer: So?

Peter: Don't you know any other songs?

Iron Butterfly singer: No, but we can play this one for 15 minutes

Peter: Um, Ok, let me invite my next guest out: Quinten Tarentino

Quinten Tarentino comes onto stage with a severed human head

Peter: Hi Quinten, what do you got there?

Quinten: It's the head of the intern working here

Audience laughs

Quinten: I'll kill you all

Quinten Tarentino runs into the audience with a switchblade and stabs all the people he could while the audience runs from him

Peter: Oh this is even worse than that movie Stewie was in

Show title that reads: Look who's talking

Stewie is in a woman's arms

Woman: You wanna say something fella. Say hello to mama

Stewie (softly): Mama

Woman leans in closer

Stewie: Ma-(Stewie stabs her in the eye)

Stewie: Ha, ha. I could talk the whole time, bitch. All right guys you can come out now

Babies all in camouflage come out from trees and benches to congratulate Stewie

The Mom tries to crawl away while everyone is celebrating

Baby: Stewie shes trying to get away

Stewie: Don't worry, the poison should enter the bloodstream about right now

Just then there is a horrible scream that slowly fades to silence and you see the Mom bleeding metal out of her eye (like X-Men 2)

Cut back to peter at the studio

Lois: Peter Quentin Tarantino has stopped killing its safe to leave now.

Peter: All right lets get out of here

A FOX executive comes onto the stage

Fox executive: Oh no you don't

Peter: Oh I'm sorry I swear my next show will be better

Executive: Who said anything about you having another train wreck tomorrow

Peter: Just talk to the Fox president he'll tell you that I'll be on we made a deal

Executive: I'm afraid that wont be possible, that head that Quentin Tarantino had in his hand when he came on stage-

Peter: That was the Fox President

Executive: No, that was the Fox president's bodyguard. He cut off the presidents ear in back and he bled to death

Peter: Damn, I guess I'll have to get a job and stop watching 22 hours of TV every day

Lois: I know Peter, it's a shame

Executive: Oh, I hate to see people so sad, how about if I arrange for a show to be made about you

Peter: You can do that?

Executive: Sure, that's what we told Britney Spears, when we thought of Jerry Springer

Both: Wooow

(Laughter)

FADE OUT

FADE IN

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: The Peter Griffin Show!... Has been cancelled to make room for an infomercial for: Catfarts: The Silent Smell

THE END


End file.
